As some of you may know, I recently lost my father. [If you’d like to know more, please see the tribute to him that I posted on Facebook: TO DAD, WITH LOVE.]
Since many of my family members, friends and acquaintances have also suffered the loss of loved ones recently (and in the past 3 years, especially due to Covid), I’m sharing the revised version of an article about loss and grief that I published in 2018. My hope is that it will help you with your grief process. Blessings, Gisele
© Gisele Marasca-Vargas; 01/23/23
LOSS IS ABOUT MORE THAN WHO OR WHAT WE LOSE
My husband and I recently lost one of the rescue cats we’d been sheltering, feeding and trying to get adopted. His name was Solo, a sweet, gentle and friendly Tuxedo cat who was very loving and protective of the other cats in the colony; especially his smaller siblings. After a week-long search, we found poor Solo’s body in a neighbor’s yard, close to the fence between our homes. We believe he got into some rat poison. It was quite shocking to find him that way. I wept inconsolably because of the sad way he died, as well as the condition of his body, which was already in the first stages of decomposition; and for not having had the chance for a proper goodbye. But I also cried for not having realized how seriously ill he was and tried to do more about it (he had looked shaky and non-responsive a week before, so we tried to catch him to take him to the vet but he escaped, and because we couldn’t find anything visibly wrong and he seemed to be doing better, we decided to just keep an eye on him; unfortunately, that was the last time we saw him alive). I also wept for not having been able to find him a permanent home soon enough; for the deep pain I witnessed and felt in my husband, who had developed a soft spot for Solo; but above all, I cried for the kind of world we live in, where too many living beings suffer from neglect and ill-treatment, and where too many are killed so casually and mindlessly, often just for our convenience.
After my husband asked permission to enter the neighbor’s backyard, we went together to pick up Solo’s remains and bring him back to our house, the place that was never meant to be his permanent home but was the only home he knew for the almost three years of his life, ever since he was just a little kitten hiding with his siblings under our shed. We buried him in our backyard, saying our final goodbyes. Ironically, about a week later someone called and asked if Solo was still available for adoption. They were looking for a neutered Tuxedo male to keep company with a Tuxedo female who had recently lost her companion. Solo would have been perfect. The call came about two weeks too late.
A few days later, we attended an event with a few friends and acquaintances. One of the people there was a man who had lost his younger son to suicide just a few months before. I can’t even imagine the kind of pain that man had gone (and was still going) through. I also remember feeling embarrassed about how much I was still suffering for the loss of our rescue cat, and how self-conscious I felt after a friend asked what was wrong with me, and I shared it with him. I caught myself trying to justify what I was feeling and why I was still feeling that way.
Over the years I’ve suffered my share of losses, as everyone else. In the past year alone, my grandmother (with whom I had a very special connection) and a cousin-in-law (a special and wonderful young woman with whom I also shared a special connection) passed away. In addition to Solo, we also lost three other rescue cats; one was them was especially hard, as it was a sweet little kitten who got severely sick and had to be put to sleep. I still carry all of them with me.
As these events caused me to muse about loss more than usual; and considering that every single one of us deals with loss on a regular basis, I decided to write down some thoughts and feelings in relation to this important and reoccurring theme.
1) Loss is always about much more than who or what you lose. As it happened in relation to the death of Solo the rescue cat, loss can bring up many other issues to the surface, including fear of death, feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness, etc. Generally speaking, the more significant the loss, the more intense the grief. However, as our losses can be connected with so many different aspects of our beings and existence (including past experiences of loss), the significance of each loss is quite personal and individual.
2) Loss is loss is loss. There’s no competition or comparison in grief... In other words, no loss should be considered greater or lesser than another; comparing losses is an exercise in futility. There’s no right or wrong here. So I shouldn’t have compared my grief for the loss of our rescue cat with the grief of the gentleman who lost his son. Losses cannot be compared by quantity or quality. Of course, it’s still a good rule of thumb to not try to engage someone who just lost his son to suicide by speaking about the loss of your rescue cat. Each person tends to feel very intensely about their own loss and most likely wouldn’t respond well to a comment that might elicit or imply comparison, especially if they are still grieving. When someone is in need to sympathy for their loss, it’s always better to address their needs without bringing up your own loss, anyway. However, you should be able to go through your own grief process without guilt or shame. Which bring us to the following thought:
3) There’s no shame in loss. Or there shouldn’t be. Easier said than done, as I happened to demonstrate with my own personal experience. However, that’s what we should strive for: understanding that grief due to loss is a natural feeling that needs to be honored and experienced without guilt or shame. In spite of the fact that many of us believe in a higher realm where souls are eternal, it’s still hard to disconnect ourselves from the pain caused by the very real losses in our physical world. The thing is, we are also physical beings, and it is OK to acknowledge and feel loss in this realm, no matter what our spiritual beliefs may be.
4) Suffering more for the loss of one person (or animal companion, etc) over another doesn’t mean caring more for one over the other. Among other things, the circumstances involving someone’s death can make it harder for the people who survive them. As I mentioned above, I lost my grandmother and my cousin-in-law just a few months apart in the past year. Although I was a lot closer to my grandmother than I was to my cousin-in-law, in some ways I suffered my cousin-in-law’s death more intensely. That’s because my grandmother died at the age of 97, having lived a full life, having had the chance to see most of her family for her 97th birthday celebration a couple of weeks before (with family coming from out of state and even of of the country), and having her wish for a good death fulfilled (she died peacefully in her sleep, and mostly in good health). My cousin-in-law, however, was only 41 and died painfully of cancer in the prime of her life, leaving her husband and her 6-year-old son behind, not to mention a mother who had recently lost her husband (my cousin-in-law’s father) to cancer, and whose son (my cousin-in-law’s brother) also has cancer.
5) Those of us who are highly sensitive people (HSP) and empaths might feel loss even more deeply. As I mentioned on my blog article “This Is Too Much!!!” About Highly Sensitive People, what is moderately stimulating to most people is overwhelming to highly sensitive people, who make up about 18 to 20% of the population. One more reason why it’s wise to not compare degrees of grief and loss.
6) The grieving process is not linear. So we shouldn’t expect it to follow a preset pattern. For instance, although the five stages of grief and loss (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, as per Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s model) are a generally accepted standard, we can’t expect to go through one by one and be done with it. While some stages might be easily identifiable, others might be hardly noticeable or existent. It’s also common to swing back and forth among them, mix them up and even create a few combos of our own... So it’s better to just go with the flow, accepting and honoring our own process as it is.
7) There is no statute of limitation in relation to loss. Therefore, there should be no rules concerning when and how we are supposed to “get over” a loss. Of course, the exception should be that it’s advisable to seek help to cope with grief and loss whenever that is leading to self-destructive and other destructive behavior.
8) There’s always loss. We are always (and will always be) losing someone or something throughout our entire lives. Accepting this basic principle can help us through the losses we’re certain to suffer. The more acceptance we can muster, the less we grieve. Yes, easier said than done, but a state of mind to work towards nonetheless.
9) Loss and change often go arm in arm. The reverse is also true. Change is the fiber of life; so is loss. We lose people (friends, family, romantic partners, etc), jobs, homes, opportunities, memories... But there’s always another where that one came from. Which brings us to the next thought about loss:
10) Something to lose, something to gain. The upside of loss is gain. We often gain a lot from our losses, from deeper understanding and awareness, maturity, etc, to new people, things or circumstances that come into our lives to fill that void or empty space and redirect our sense of purpose. It’s a natural law of the universe. The gentleman who lost his son knows painfully well that no one can ever replace him; but he has another son who now needs him more than ever. Some people who go through similar tragedies also choose to get involved in support groups and volunteer for organizations that have suicide prevention lines. In our case, just a few days after Solo was gone another stray Tuxedo cat showed up at our door, needing food and shelter. Of course, the newcomer can never replace Solo, who will always be in our hearts. But it is the nature of our universe to create new relationships and circumstances once previous ones are gone.
11) Loss is an illusion. We take loss very personally and focus on the feeling that someone or something has been taken away from us; we even express it that way by talking about “our” losses. However, nothing and no one really belong to us during our temporary passage through this world, do they? In addition, if we believe in the eternity of our souls or energy beings, and that nothing is wasted in the universe, only transformed, then loss doesn’t really exist from a broader perspective. Likewise, if we get more scientific and consider the quantum physics principles involving space/time and alternate realities. Whatever set of beliefs floats our boat, it’s worth a try. Maybe believing that loss is an illusion or that everything happens for a reason won’t make us suffer any less; but it can offer some comfort. In my case, when things get tough I repeat to myself these well-known Abraham-Hicks words: “You are loved. All is well.”
12) We are simply not in control. One of the most important things that loss teaches us is that we are not in control. Concerning Solo, the truth of the matter is that my husband and I weren’t in control of our neighbor’s actions (using the rat poison), or Solo’s actions (eating the rat poison and then running away from our help). We were in control of our own actions, but only from a limited perspective and incomplete understanding of the whole situation. So, ultimately, we were not in control of what happened to him. And the bottom line is that everyone is always doing the best they can with what they know at any given moment. That’s worth remembering whenever we start getting into the blame game (blaming ourselves or others) concerning a loss.
13) We are not alone. There’s always help. That doesn’t mean we can’t take whatever time alone we need to mourn and grieve a loss. But there’s great value in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and sharing it with others. For one, we are reminded that everyone of us deals with loss. In addition, if we are feeling spiritually disconnected due to loss and grief, sharing with others helps us reconnect and become part of the web of life again.
FINAL THOUGHT: If all else fails, remember these famous words: “This too shall pass...”
My heartfelt condolences to everyone in grief,
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
When The Universe Has Your Back
I’m back! The October and November eNewsletters didn’t go out this year due to the fact that I was in the process of moving to a new home in a different city, and also because grief from painful losses and the stress of the move (which included trapping several outdoor rescue cats, taking them to the vet and accommodating them with our pet cats in the new place), among other issues, aggravated my ongoing health challenge. I actually caught myself looking at one of my old pictures and asking: “Where are you?”
But I’m still here!
It’s been a challenging year; one that has brought (and is still bringing) one challenge after another to contend with. This year also carried a cumulative effect with it, as this trend seems to have started with all the unrest and uncertainty we went through in 2020, the year of Covid. I’ve noticed the same pattern all around me, with family members, friends, clients, students, etc; all have been dealing with circumstances that have challenged them to their core. It feels like everyone is being put to the test. In my case, most everything in my life didn’t go according to plan and, like it or not, I had to come to terms with the fact that I’m not, indeed, in control. Rationally, I understand this concept; emotionally, however, it’s a tough notion to fully grasp for a control freak, action-oriented perfectionist as myself.
I’m aware that there’s a difference between being detached vs. being unattached. It's good to feel passionate and excited about our goals and dreams, and eager for action. However, that's different from over-identifying with what we are doing, letting our ego get all wrapped around it, getting into a controlling mode and becoming too attached to the outcome... Being unattached is about maintaining a good balance between putting in the effort and letting go; it doesn't mean being detached. Being unattached is about trusting the process of working towards what we want, while being open to what may come. Being unattached is about knowing which roles are yours and which roles are the Universe’s, as we co-create our reality. When we achieve that balance, we watch things effortlessly falling into place, or simply falling away when they don't serve us anymore. Ideally, rather than getting caught up in our own ideas about how our plans will manifest, we should try to let go of control and allow for the fact that there are many different ways of arriving to our destinations. The best attitude to maintain is to focus on the what, rather than the how. A good state of mind to try to cultivate is appreciation for the now and positive expectations for what's to come. It’s about knowing when to pause. It’s about understanding when and how to allow, rather than just chasing after everything; being, rather constantly than doing.
That all sounds good. However, it can be hard to find that balance between putting in the effort and letting go. We all get too attached to... well, pretty much everything in our lives at one time or another, including outcomes. When that happens, the Universe always has a way to teach us that lesson (or refresh our memories about it)...
So, you win, Universe; I let go; and in this process of trusting and releasing, I win, too. In this new year about to begin, lead the way to my highest good!
“Many people focus upon unwanted things, with no deliberate attention to the emotional Guidance within them, and then they try to compensate for their lackful thinking with physical action. And because of the misalignment of Energy, they do not get results from their action, so then they try harder by offering more action, but still things do not improve.
Like the air you breathe, abundance in all things is available to you. Your life will simply be as good as you allow it to be.” — Esther (Abraham and Jerry)
Wishing you Happy Holidays and many meaningful wins in the new year!
© Gisele Marasca-Vargas; 12/15/22
Girl releasing heart balloon image by Zorro4 from Pixabay
Butterflies flying out of a can image by Michaela from Pixabay
The Simple Art of Appreciation
Let’s get a bit silly and sentimental today.
Have you ever mused about the simple beauty of an avocado, or its deliciousness and versatility? Opening an avocado, much as Forrest Gump’s proverbial box of chocolates, is always a surprise; you never know what you’re gonna get. Within its dark green, purple black, thick, course and woody skin (if you’re opening a California Hass) or spotted bright green, smooth skin (if you’re opening a large Florida avocado), you can find the biggest or smallest pit; flesh that’s soft and creamy or firm and a bit stringy; color shades from unspoiled greenish yellow to brownish and bruised; and tastes that vary from subtle to rich...
There’s more than one way to open and cut an avocado. You can halve it widthwise or lengthwise and “twist” it open or squeeze out the flesh (recommended when making guacamole); you can peel it or scoop it out; you can slice it or dice it.
The avocado is one of the most adaptable of fruits. It can be used for soups, salads, dips, fillings, spreads, etc; or simply as garnish. You can also make flavorful avocado ice cream and smoothies (especially when combined with banana). In addition, there are many vegan recipes that use avocados as a substitute for non-vegan ingredients, such as avocado chocolate pudding.
Avocados have become an important part of my daily breakfast ritual. When things seem the darkest (such as when you’re dealing with an unknown chronic health issue that you can’t seem to figure out and resolve, or when a hurricane is about to hit the area where you and many of your family members and friends live), it often helps to focus on and appreciate the simple pleasures of life. For instance, having avocado toast with olive oil and coconut aminos in the morning, as you marvel at the fact that you get to enjoy such a wonderful treat in the comfort and safety of your home...
May many of your avocados be deliciously unspoiled, and may all of your avocados be special!
© Gisele Marasca-Vargas; 09/28/22
Photo by Tangerine Newt on Unsplash
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How do we keep ourselves from living our best lives?
Most of us are familiar with the terms fear of success or fear of failure; but do we really understand what these concepts mean, or do they feel mostly like abstractions that we can’t quite define or recognize within ourselves?
I’d guess that most of us, when making decisions and choices, are hardly ever conscious of the fact that we might be sabotaging ourselves due to our response to these fears and other limiting core beliefs. And yet, we tend to self-sabotage on a regular basis through many of our habits or patterns of thought, emotion and action.
If these patterns were easy to recognize and change, we’d already be ahead of this game. But such things are rarely obvious or easy to spot and address. That doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to do it or that we shouldn’t be continuously working on it, anyway.
We are certainly able to come up with convincingly valid reasons for hitting the brakes or checking out of life. Have you ever made a decision about changing something in your life that would bring positive results and forward-movement, only to find yourself grabbing onto the first available excuse (other people, life circumstances, etc) to interrupt the process? Don’t get me wrong, some of the causes for interruptions and change of course can be challenging, difficult obstacles to be surpassed. Life sometimes demands that we slow down or stop for justifiable reasons, such as the loss of loved ones and the consequent grieving process, or the management of a serious health issue, etc. It can be scary to get up and continue to move forward, especially after we take a fall or feel that life knocked us down; and that’s a particularly hard process for highly sensitive empaths. However, for many of us, that can also be reason enough to stop progress all together. Of course, I’m not referring to the normal (and quite necessary) rest and relaxation pauses and stops, along with play time, that all of us should take to be able to recharge; I’m talking about giving up.
More often than not, the most valid excuses mask our deepest fears, which is a fact that we can’t get away with ignoring forever. If we dig deeply enough, we are bound to recognize that life constantly scares us (especially in these intense healing and transformational times) and we don’t need much of an excuse to want to stop on our tracks or even go on reverse, if at all possible. The problem is that we’re not built to continuously hide or retract; sooner or later, our mind, body and spirit start paying the price for staying out of the stream of life for too long.
How long is too long? There’s no easy answer, but we know what happens when we choose to hide and avoid for unhealthily long periods; we’ve all been there and dealt with the consequences. We ‘re quite aware that, at a certain point, the Universe starts nudging us forward; if we continue ignoring the nudges, they eventually become full-out, impossible-to-ignore slaps on the back of the head or kicks in the heinie… So, rather than waiting for that to start happening again, it’s best if we take some time to consider in which areas of our lives we have slowed down too much or stopped the flow. Awareness is half the way; even the process of acknowledging stagnated areas and the need to start moving forward again can open the door for the next phase of the journey to begin.
These uncertain times call for taking a leap of faith as we continue to move forward, trusting that the path will reveal itself as we take the next step.
What’s one small step you can take to move towards your goals and dreams today?
© Gisele Marasca-Vargas; 08/04/22
Image by Ana Pilar from Pixabay
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